S.T.O.R.M

I Bet You Didn't Know That Computer games and restauranrs have something in common with each other, did you? Well, here's a scenario that proves my point and tells you about S.T.O.R.M. at the same time...

"Did Sir enjoy his shoot 'em up?" "Well... I didn't enjoy it all that much, if you want me to be totally honest." "Sir! I really must apologise! Were the graphics not to your liking?" "On the contrary, gallon, the graphics were absolutely delicious. Satisfyingly rich, with a crisp, well-defined flavour. Maybe a little dark at times, but they slipped down very smoothly indeed. I cannot fault them in any way."

"Oh. Then perhaps the animation left a little to be desired?" "Wrong again. The animation was fine. I especially enjoyed the shoals of fish and the photo-realistic shark movements. I'd even go as far as saying it's some of the best seafood I've ever tasted." "Did Sir not favour the controls?" "Nope. They were fine (belch). Just how I like them, in fact: simple and easy to digest. You can't beat a bit of tradition. Some of these fancy modern games have far too many different buttons in them. It clutters up the plate and leaves you unsure of where to start. You know where you are with only a couple of movement keys and a mere smattering of fire buttons. Quite a refreshing change. I can tell you." "And the sonic effects?" "Well, nothing remarkable, but certainly nothing to complain about either." "Well Sir. that only leaves the gameplay." "Hmm...yes. I was hoping you would get to that."

The gameplay

"So what did Sir dislike about the gameplay? It contains EEC-approved shoot 'em up ingredients. Perhaps Sir suffers from some kind of allergy?" 'Far from it. I appreciate all kinds of shoot 'em ups. I have nothing at all against ingesting endless helpings of steaming cathartic violence. Admittedly. I'm not a huge fan of the 'Scramble' school of cookery: the constant presence of the perilous landscape irritates my palate somewhat, but I don't always dismiss them outright." "Maybe Sir found it... a little tough?" "That's it. Yes. It was tough. Far too tough. It made me want to stop chewing after my first couple of mouthfuls. Look! I broke three teeth on level one alone!" "Ah. So now we finally arrive at the truth. Sir. The problem is not with the gameplay, the problem is with Sir. May I be so bold as to suggest that Sir is a girly puss who cannot stomach a bit of gristle with his shoot 'em up. and as a result is merely sulking." "Watch your lip slave boy I may have the world's strongest teeth, but I think even Jaws himself would have difficulty crunching his way through this. It's rock hard, for heaven's sake. I wouldn't mind if it started out a bit soft and then gradually set until it resembled concrete, but this is like tungsten steel from the very beginning. And you have to go back and do the same bit again and again until you get past it. It's so difficult to progress further than five pixels down the screen at a time that you lose faith before you've even started to play it properly! I hate games that become long, tedious trials. And another thing..."

"Excuse me Sir. but we seem to be discussing the game as if we're talking about a meal you've just eaten. I'm playing the waiter. Remember?"

"Oh. And it looks like we've just run out of space. Oh well."