Cruis'n Exotica

Exotica. And you know what? They might just do it! Well let's just say that they were a little bit flawed! However, everyone makes mistakes and Midway is hoping to put things to rights with the latest title, Cruis'n Featuring 14 brand new tracks the latest installment of the series focuses – unsurprisingly considering the title – on 'exotic' locations around the world like India, the Amazon, Hong Kong and Alaska. Some go even further afield – in the course of the game you can expect to race on Mars and through the Lost City Of Atlantis! Apparently the game designers travelled the globe to get the theme right for each level – although we're guessing they didn't make the trip to Mars!

As you might imagine, Cruis'n Exotica is like its predecessors, a one hundred percent arcade racer, which is always handy since it's based on the popular coin-op version of the game. Fortunately, the game isn't just a straight port though – instead you get extra cars, new shortcuts and a challenge mode added for the home version. Like the arcade game of the same name Cruis'n Exotica now includes a few ramps to jump from in each track.

This was a feature sorely lacking from the first two Cruis'n games and it now sits in pride of place – especially as Exotica has the fastest cars yet. This means you can take one of the new rendered cars and throw it about the glorious tracks as fast as you want! If you so desire you can also customise it a little by slapping your name on the numberplate and giving the vehicle a lick of paint.

The tracks themselves look superb and are a hell of a lot crisper than in the previous efforts. Fogging and pop-up no longer appear to be a problem and whatever your driving skills it's great fun to drive around the exotic locations. Where before the environments were fairly static now you also get moving creatures and objects. These include dinosaurs that walk along the road and even a Free Willy style killer whale who leaps over the track on each lap! The Cruis'n name has certainly developed itself a reputation over the past year and Cruis'n Exotica could just be the game to break the mould. It certainly looks like there's been a bit more effort put into this game – let's just hope it can do the job!

There are certain times in your life when, through no fault of your own, you have to witness some of the most terrible things ever to happen to mankind! These events take many different forms, like when you're at a family party and you have to look on in horror as your dad attempts to do 'The Time Warp'. Or when you are told by all of your mates that the cinema is showing one of the best films ever, you go along, and instead of seeing a possible Oscar-winning movie, you find yourself watching Batman and Robin. And what about having to sit through a whole hour of TFI Friday? These occurrences are nothing however, compared to the absolute horror, the blood-boiling pain and indescribable misery of the Cruis'n racing games on the N64. The only other way we found of putting anything else as bad in your machine was if we emptied a slop bucket of animal fat into the slot, followed by a copy of Carmageddon 64! And guess what? Now there is a new edition that goes by the name of Cruis'n Exotica! The question you have to ask yourself is, "Why?"

Drive Time

Let's just put it this way, the two previous Cruis'n titles don't exactly enter our 'Hall of Fame'. In fact, they're not even allowed near the gates at the front of the building. In all honesty, if we had our way, we'd bar them from the very street! You may ask, "Why do you hate these games so much?" To which we'd have to reply, "Because they are dated, ugly and dull". These, coincidentally, are the exact same reasons why this latest game is a complete bunch of arse too! All of the flaws in the last two games are still very much present and correct here. Why? Has Midway not learnt its lesson yet? It's like a child who keeps tearing the lovely new wallpaper off his bedroom wall, and wonders why he gets smacked all the time! If someone somewhere had made an effort to improve some aspects of this awful game, then fine, maybe we could've been a bit more lenient. But no-one did, so we won't!

Right, where do we begin? Well, how about with the graphics, which look like they fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down? They're more like the kind of thing you'd expect to see in a very early Mega Drive game. It's been said before in past reviews, but OutRun looked and played better than this – the Spectrum 48k version almost had better graphics! – and if we had to pick between the two, we know which one would win!

Apart from the vehicles, everything else in this game appears as flat as cardboard. The scenery looks as though it's been cut out from a holiday magazine (only not quite as convincing), and as you drive towards the horizon, there is a horrible amount of pop-up to deal with. This pop-up is so bad in fact, that it's hard to tell which direction to turn on bends. Buildings, other cars and pieces...

Side Box: She's A Lady!

She's back and she's as crap as ever! Sure, she may look pretty but she's still stuck in that looped three-frame animation thing! Moving as though she was in a scene from Yellow Submarine (ooh, that rhymes), she offers you a trophy when you come first place in a race. Her wardrobe, as ever, is a skimpy little bikini that delights and disturbs in equal measure!

She likes long walks in the park, her favourite colour is murky rust and she would like to save the rainforests through modelling. Fat chance, as she will forever be of scenery appear out of nowhere at quite a ridiculous rate, and this quickly becomes very annoying! Not that the scenery matters much anyway as most hazards (such as huge boulders or bloody great trees) can be driven through like they were made of paper. Yes folks, it really is as bad as that!

Wheel-y Bad!

As for the gameplay, well, it's all but non-existent. The only thing this game is concerned about is speed, and that's about the only thing Exotica's got going for it! It certainly is fast, but it's fast at the expense of nearly every other aspect of the gameplay. The only thing for your fingers to do is hold down the A button and move the analogue stick left and right.

However, when you do move your vehicle in either direction, it swerves violently, almost as if there is an angry drunk behind the wheel! As for the tracks themselves, oh good God, they're unbelievable – only not in a good way. You can't drive off the side of the track, and if you do, you're pushed back in quickly. The bends in the road can't even be seen because they only appear at the very last minute, which means you're usually late to turn into them and get pushed off to the side! Madness!

The vehicles themselves aren't that much better either! It doesn't matter which car you pick as they all handle the same. Not even the speed seems that much different, because once on the track, the other racers go just as fast as you! It also gets annoying when each race becomes a game of bumper cars. We got sick of the amount of times other cars bashed into us. After a certain number of crashes, your car, for no bloody reason, flips over and sends you flying into the sky. This becomes a huge problem when you happen to be first in the race. Even if you think you have a good lead on the others, a simple bump slows you down, and then, from out of nowhere, the other eight cars speed past you, leaving you to play catch-up.

You can unlock more cars, but this isn't through any kind of skill – you just have to have driven a certain number of miles. You can unlock cars from winning races, but who wants to go through all that effort for a car that behaves exactly the same as all the others? The bigger cars on offer even actually manage to make things worse! Due to their size, most of the road can't be seen and that means you can't see any of the oncoming hazards! Wait, it gets worse, much worse...

Clutch-ing At Straws!

Although there are a number of courses to open in a variety of different landscapes, you won't actually care how many you get access to. This is because every single track plays the same. There is a start line, a bend or two, the odd jump, checkpoints and a finish line. That's your lot. There are no real shortcuts, no power-ups, no nothing. It is dull. The different types of environments are supposed to be exotic and fun, but if this is fun, then put itching powder all over our clothes and nail us into a box full of rusty razor blades! (Er... sure? – Roy.)

As for the music, well, it may be clear, but the tunes are just awful. It's exactly the type of trash you'd expect to hear booming out of a horrible late-Eighties movie soundtrack. Even the sound effects fail to compensate. There is a light thud as you hit another car and apart from the roar of a passing plane (which, we might add, is the same sound effect they use for the monorail system on Mars) the only other sound is the frustrating 'beep beep' of car horns!

Give Us A Brake!

Those of you who have resisted the last two titles, please don't feel obliged to go out and buy this. There is no need! To simulate this game without the cost, simply hold on tightly to your control pad while you sit behind your dad as he drives to the shops. You'll get exactly the same experience, only it'll be a little more interesting. As the N64 slowly comes to the end of its life, there should be far more challenging and better-looking games available for it than this. This one does your machine no favours whatsoever and certainly fails to impress. Cruis'n Exotica is definitely not worth your hard-earned pennies, and shouldn't even be considered as a present for someone you hate. This is because you would still have to spend your cash on it!

At the back of the instruction booklet there is a section that allows you to write down some notes. If you buy this, make sure you write, "I am an idiot and hanging is too good for me. I should, in future, buy better games". Don't say you haven't been warned, because you have!

Midway's Cruis'n Exotica has all the markings of previous Cruis'n racers, including long tracks with plenty of shortcuts, pseudo real-car models, and a slower, more deliberate game pace (as opposed to games like SF Rush). Exotica features 10 tracks that range anywhere from Las Vegas to Mars. From what we've seen, much of the scenery is quite fantastic, if not a little bizarre. Exotica will flood your local watering hole (and possibly every pool hall across the nation) this spring.

Midway takes a lot of heat for putting out archaically simple arcade racing games, and it looks like their latest title isn't going to change that trend. This eager beaver takes the tried and true Cruis'n engine to the next level by offering 12 new tracks set in imaginative locations. For example, you'll get a chance to race under water in the Lost City of Atlantis track (as you can see from the picture, there's plenty of atmosphere down there). Other locales include the Planet Mars course and the glitzy Vegas run. Look for sharper graphics and a faster frame-rate, but don't expect a drastic difference from the previous Cruis'n games.

Cruis'n Exotica will be four-player, Rumble and Memory Pak capable when it debuts sometime in the next four months.