Crime Patrol

"Happiness is a warm gun," sang the Beatles on their Manson-inspiring opus, The White Album - and although John Lennon would no doubt disagree with that rather bold statement given his current condition, they were probably right. Guns are definitely in at the moment, so what better accessory to buy for your beloved pc than a gun of its very own? Lovingly tooled from the finest lurid orange plastic, the American Laser Games pc Gamegun connects to your pc and allows you to play all those Mud Dog McCree-style live action shoot em 'ups the way they should be played, right in your very own home. What better remedy could there possibly be for relieving that end-of-the-millennium angst, that trembling, pent-up rage that seethes within? Line 'em up like lambs to the slaughter. Pop pop pop. Gee, doc, I can feel my stress levels dipping every time I see another head explode.

Yesiree, this here fluorescent magnum simply plugs into your parallel (printer) port, and then to the joystick port, and blow me down if it doesn't herald the dawning of a new age in pc gaming history. Just hook up the gun, slap in the free game bundled with it, and off you go. Er, once you've calibrated the gun that is. And that's a bit of a pig - a process you'll probably have to repeat at least three or four times before you've sorted out that essential bang-on aim.

The game Crime Patrol included in the package wins my 'Comedy Release of the Year' award. It revolves around shooting countless 'punks' in the face, arms and neck, and I swear I have never laughed out loud at a game so often in my life. It's like every cheesy cop show rolled into one, with an unhealthy level of glee in providing sadistic touches to the action. Sometimes blasting a crook five times in the face at close range just isn't enough. No, no, no. And the producers know this, so sometimes you'll shoot someone, and he'll tumble backwards into an electrified gate and get fried, or he'll topple off a balcony and plummet to his death. There's a man who's been set on fire running about and yelping 'amusing' things like "Oooh! I'm burning up!". Then there's the undercover sergeant who machine-guns a car-boot full of cocaine while screaming, "Winners don't use drugs!" Ooh, I laughed till I cried. Well, nearly. Unfortunately the fun palls a tad too quickly, and once you've finished the game (which won't take long), you're unlikely to return to it all that often (unless you've got friends round and you're all drinking beer, from cans, like men). Still, you can use the gun with other games in the series (all pretty much identical), and $39-99 for a gun and a game ain't bad, so if you fancy a little Smith & Wesson, you may as well give this a shot. Boom boom.

Another digitized shooter? If you're wondering whether that means more first-person gun fire, corny dialogue, and imprecise controls, wonder no more. It does.

Crime Doesn't Play

This time you're a rookie cop who's just as ambitious as your 12 shot pistol will allow. Starting as a loudmouth patrolwoman, you advance to the sleazy Sergeant (complete with a shootout in a strip bar), do some SWAT team work, and finally move on to a Delta Special Forces assignment. The object: Shoot bad guys, wait for the CD to load, and shoot again.

The aim using the con trailer is inaccurate. When life and death hang on a split-second decision, the gun (sold separately) is a must. Even when calibrated, though, its aim is also not always true.

Digital Detective

The graphics serve up clean, sharp, digitized images of characters ranging from Mafioso bosses to gun wielding strippers.

The backgrounds are amusing, especially in the strip joint, where no one seems to duck when the bullets fly. Those strippers must be good.

The sound is your basic gun shot, accompanied by full dialogue thatls so corny you'll wince. When you come across the few unintelligible phrases, you'll count it as a blessing.

If you like Lethal Enforcers or Mad Dog McCree, you'll be on the lookout for Crime Patrol. It's just a crime that nothing different was put into this game.

It's never been an easy job, but the police must do what they have to do. You are an officer trying to progress through the police ranks, while battling an assortment of nasty criminal elements. For every mission you complete you'll get promoted to bigger and more dangerous duties.

When you start off as a simple rookie, you'll take on gang members, armed robbers, and some street criminals. Nothing too difficult. When you attain the rank of Detective, it's up to you to stop a drug cartel and car-thief rings. Then it's time to really get down and dirty as a member of a SWAT team taking on terrorists.

Crime Patrol uses the powers of the Sega CD and its video capabilities to put you right in the game.