Ubersoldier

The problem with ail WWII zombie games is that the scripts are too well-written and competently performed. They should get the evil characters to sound like Skeletor and give scriptwriting to a nine-year-old pumped full of Haribo. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you UberSoldier.

To start with, you'll laugh. The plot is explained to you with all the elegance of a hard flick on the eyeball. It stops just short of a narrator walking on in a chucky jumper marked NARRATOR saying: "Soon you will be controlling this man using your mouse and keyboard. This is an FPS."

Sadly, once the script stops, the game quickly becomes a joyless chore. The only time I can honestly say I was having fun was when I stabbed an already-dead doctor. The blood-spray animation came from his arse, you see. It's not that I'm childish - it's just that... He was doing a red trump.

Beyond that, it's almost impossible to describe in how many ways this game fails to involve and entertain. Fighting is dull, the gimmick is a blue shield bubble that just makes the game chaotically unplayable, level design is uninspired, the AI has captains loading their weapons in the middle of a room while you idly decide which nostril to shoot. What's more, do professional soldiers really scream, "I'll kill you!" as they run into your sights, or is it just the evil ones?

This could have been a classic comedy - the lost series of 'Alto 'Alio -but some idiot chose to put a crappy game in the middle.