Lula 3D

Man, I remember when Lula 3D came out! I was working in a video game store part time while I was a student and I thought the fact that the game proudly proclaimed to have bouncing boobs technology was hilarious! This is a game from 2005 and for the time, it was kind of amazing to have a porn game get an actual proper release. Lula was a somewhat well known character at this time and this was her and her huge boob's first foray into the world of 3D gaming. The fact that it is regarded as one of the worst games of all time probably makes you want to try it out even more.

Lula A Big Boobed Private Dick!

One of the craziest things about Lula 3D is that it actually has a great plot. Ok, great may be overselling it, and to be honest, it is more of a good premise than an actual coherent plot. Lula is just about to start shooting her next big epic adult movie, but her porn stars have been kidnapped! Lula now finds herself having to go to various locations around the USA ranging from Mount Rushmore to the big easy, New Orleans to save them. This is kind of fun and to be honest, I liked that they thought about the plot.

In A Crazy World Is Anyone Insane?

While the premise of the plot in Lula 3D is fun and good, the execution is all over the place. This is one of the craziest games you will ever play. It thrives on low brow humor which I honestly got a few chuckles out of. At the time this was released I remember people saying how dumb and nonsensical the whole thing was. The thing is, that is kind of the point, the whole game is supposed to be over the top and crazy and if you just go along with this and accept it, it can actually make you laugh on more than one occasion!

Just Don’t Try And Move & Turn At The Same Time

What we have here as far as the gameplay goes in Lula 3D is a 3rd person adventure/puzzle game. We control Lula in the 3rd person and we need to navigate each area, talk to characters, and solve some basic puzzles. The trouble is that first of all Lula controls like Lara Croft if she were drunk! I never had this happen to me, but I read that the game is prone to crashing if you dare try and move her while turning! It is a buggy mess, but it is one of those, it is so bad it is funny kind of games. I am surprised more streamers have not embraced this, although there is a good reason for that.

The Bouncing Boobs Technology

By the time Lula 3D came out we already had Dead or Alive 3 and Mortal Kombat Deadly Alliance, two games that featured pretty damn hefty boob bouncing physics so I am not sure why they made such a big deal about that here.

Lula is easy on the eyes, I like how we can see her high thong above her skirt and the fact she always dresses like she is about to do a strip tease is fun. You do get to see some actual sex in the game which is usually played for laughs and is probably the reason that streamers have not played this a great deal. The game has a very PlayStation 2 look about it, but a rather low end PlayStation 2 game.

Pros:

• Lula is a hot character
• I liked what she was wearing
• The premise of the plot is pretty interesting
• This is a game that is so bad, it is good so you have to give it a try

Cons:

• The game has many game breaking bugs that can cause it to crash
• She controls like a busted tank!

There's Something oddly compelling about Lula 3D. It harnesses your attention in the same way that all ten minutes of Michelle from Big Brother decked out in cheap purple underwear staring slack-jawed into the camera on the midnight freeview on Television X might do. It's crap, it's wrong, it's as sexy as placing a dead fish in your mouth and slowly pulling it in and out so the scales get stuck between your teeth - but it's still better than watching World's Wildest Police Chases with Sheriff John Bunnell.

I mean, this is a game that gives you options like 'observe showering lesbians', it has perpetually shagging automatons on every other street corner, along with the most inept voice-acting and English translation that you can humanly imagine ("You want some trouble with my father's son?"). It's Joseph Conrad's 'fascination with the abomination' in videogame form: where will you put the vibrator next? What are you going to do with the 'breast-tingling vodka' you've just picked up? Did a development company really ask the Lula voice-actress to piss, fart and then giggle at her naughtiness when you command her to go to the toilet? Just how low is this game going to go - and how abysmal will it be when they do it?

Big N' Bouncy

Unsurprisingly, game controls are awful, puzzles inane and progress governed by doors that magically unlock themselves after you've spoken to everyone who's lounging around town about life as a hooker or giving blowjobs. And as for the box-touted 'Breast Bounce technology' -if Lula's bright pink assets bounce realistically, then I've clearly been talking to the wrong kind of girls for the entirety of my life. (Or at least the more recent bits of my life, in which Bk I've been talking to girls.)

And yet I play it simply to see what, or who, is coming round the next corner. The game is just so inexorably, mind-bogglingly ignorant of how either real games or real sex works that it spread-eagles itself a fair way into the so-bad-it's-good'category.

This isn't a victory for the game though: it's a sad indictment of my moral character and my ongoing fascination with the truly, woefully inept. As lovely as it must be to live in Lula-land, with its never-ending intercourse and women who won't talk about anything other than dildos, I still think that 1 prefer having sex with real people. It's a strange hang-up of mine -I'm sure I'll get over it.