Lowrider

Until now, ninos too young to drive and too poor to pay for hydraulics have had to settle for pimpin' out bicycles before working their way up to proper lowriders. No more, mis amigos. Lowrider gives the little guys a jump start on the luxurious lifestyle. Starting with an antique beater, you impress kids in the barrio with baby bounces, slowly build a reputation, and collect Cheddar. Plentiful upgrades allow you to express ill creativity: Who wouldn't want a colorful mural of the Virgin of Guadalupe gracing their hood? Too bad the gameplay isn't half as mind-blowing. The secret to success is as simple as repeatedly pounding buttons on cue. That's it, and that's all, so if you're entertaining the thought of lowmobiling on your lonesome (you fool), feel free to subtract as many points from my score as you'd like. But as far as jokes go, what's funnier than a hopping car with smoke colored to match the Mexican flag billowing from its grill? Plus, the multiplayer modes are the stuff that drinking games are made of (not that I'm endorsing such irresponsible behavior or anything).

Don't let the technically above-average score fool you--this game is awful. And also totally hilarious. Once you figure out when to mash the buttons, well, you've plumbed the depths of gameplay. But I dare you not to laugh at the sight of two chromed-out ghetto sleds hopping like they've got pogo sticks for wheels. If the NFL canned the crap dance number and had a lowrider competition during the Super Bowl halftime show, America's collective face would be thoroughly rocked. When Lowrider hits the bargain bin, you better get in on that.

The only way I would recommend this game is if it were sitting in Demian's bargain bin (or dumpster) for under S10. Even then I'd mull it over for several minutes. Controlling the hydraulics on tricked-out G-rides to make them shimmy and shake for points in front of a crowd of barely moving cardboard cutouts is weaksauce. Gameplay, graphics, sound, you name it...bad. Ridiculous loading screens and a cheesy intro movie provide the game's only entertainment value--unintentional humor.