King Of Clubs

Nyone Here Got a Sony Ericsson phone? I have, and what it lacks in screen space and keys compared to a PC, it more than makes up for in attentionabsorbing ability, thanks to a crazygolf game that comes free with it This is perfect for public transport, occupying your eyes and preventing any unnecessary contact with the elderly gent who's telling a young American girl that her face is "shit".

Take away that one use for minigolf games and you have King of Clubs, a small gaming sponge that'll soak up maybe a dozen of your heartbeats. If you play King of Clubs, and suffer its endless reiteration of just how crazy golf can be, you'll be left directionless, hypnotised and melancholic. After playing through 81 of the 90 holes, I'd developed the unfocused stare of a soldier with post-traumatic stress disorder. The music -the kind of music you'd expect if you were watching Billy Ray Cyrus selfharming on a gaily coloured carousel - left me with the sense that my soul had acute psoriasis, and was simply flaking away. Then I unlocked the game's final and best club. I couldn't tell the difference. I played the last nine holes. A forgotten part of my brain noticed that most of these levels looked like Super Monkey Ball. This was to be my path back to reality.

If you were to torture me, I'd admit that I'm intrigued by the claim in press releases that a hole-in-one is possible on every hole. I'm just not intrigued enough to play the game, ever again.