Seven Samurai 20xx

I expect Seven Samurai Director Akira Kurosawas grave is equipped with some sort of industrial centrifuge to accommodate the amount of spinning hes doing right about now. This quasi-remake of the original classic futurized, roboti-cized, and vaguely blessed by the great directors heirs is a rote hack-n-slash fiesta (think PS2s The Bouncer meets Dynasty Warriors) that throws in some RPG elements as an artificial attempt at depth. Youll talk to a smattering of townspeople as you wander (but none offer useful information or helpful items) and pick up unique weapons from fallen bosses weapons that you can view in a gallery but cant actually wield. Some levels offer either a big, lame arrow to blatantly illuminate your path or no direction at all. The game quickly devolves into busywork running with sword sheathed toward triggered events, which are usually mindless battles against faceless robots. Bland, repetitive gameplay sends this one straight to the bargain bin.

Add 20-something to its title, and anything, including a cinematic fossil like Kurosawas Seven Samurai, is automatically cooler. For proof, look no further than 20XXs boss battle with a rapping duo on rainbow-colored rollerblades. Sarcasm aside, this game sucks. Not only did I play through several levels without looking at the screen, but my sword finger nearly fell off from the fatigue of interminably tapping the same button. Without new killing tools and techniques to acquire or even the need to fight strategically, youre left with a sorry retelling of a classic story...which doubles as a stamina-building regimen for pro thumb wrestlers.

I thought Id be offended by seeing one of my all-time favorite directors movies butchered into a futurized remake. But the fact that the game is so simplistic and easy that I was able to finish levels without even looking at the screen at times damned it enough in my eyes. When I did pay attention I soon regretted it, as theres major slowdown when fighting a bunch of random thugs or space werewolves at once. Just watch Kurosawas movies instead. Please.