Milf Guard

Milf Guard is a game that gets wild and weird very, and I mean, very quick. Not every hentai game begins with the protagonist losing their mother in a tragic car accident – and things only get more intense from there, although not always in the same sense. This porn game tasks you with becoming a paladin of justice, honor, and milfs.

With a storyline that teeters on the edge of taboo and a visual style that leans heavily on CG renders, Milf Guard aims to carve out a niche in the adult gaming scene. But how does it hold up under scrutiny? Well, that depends on how much you can stomach a story that never takes itself too seriously, funny-looking characters, and some of the cringiest sex scenes ever written.

An Unconventional Family Tree

The narrative of Milf Guard is as twisted as a soap opera, but with a lot more skin. It starts off with a premise that could be pulled straight from a drama series, but quickly spirals into fantasy territory. The game suddenly turns into an isekai all of a sudden, but where Sword Art Online had cool anime battles, here, you get a harem of milfs.

As it turns out, your character has just become the “Protector of All Milfs,” a title that sounds as grandiose as the Champion from Corruption of Champions. But what exactly do you need to protect these Milfs from, you might be wondering? Well, mostly, you’ll have to protect them from their lascivious thoughts – by letting them use you as fap material.

Guardians and Ghouls

When I said “All Milfs” I really mean all milfs. Forget about just boring human moms, this game will have you take care of fantasy creatures and monsters that are just as milf-y as the protagonist’s mom. Want to get it on with a futa orc? You can totally do that in this game!

Unfortunately, the creatures themselves are never fully realized. If you were waiting for a true successor for Trials in Tainted Space, this isn’t it. Milf Guard uses its fantasy elements more as window dressing for its setting, but never realizes them to their full potential. It’s a wasted opportunity that might turn down some of the more adventurous hentai fans, that’s for sure.

Wax Figures

One thing that will immediately determine how much enjoyment you can get out of this game is how much you can tolerate the weird, uncanny valley features of every character. I have nothing against CG renders in erotic novels, but Milf Guard isn’t exactly leading the competition in the visuals department.

Rating: 6/10

Although the character models are “physiologically accurate” enough for most tastes… the faces… oh, God, the faces. Every character looks goofy in their own twisted ways, and it’s never quite good. Granted, faces are the last thing you’d look at in a porn game, but when titles like The Genesis Order can do such an amazing job with CG renders, you can’t help but wonder why every character in Milf Guard looks like a half-melted wax sculpture.

Pros

• A good selection of scenes to discover
• Branching story paths that don’t feel restrictive
• Intriguing premise

Cons

• Lackluster character models
• Story lacks weight or choices
• Weird poses in almost every scene